Dear Brother, No More Beards

Dear Brother,

After spending a lovely Thanksgiving weekend with you, I have to beg you to never again grow a beard like that. I can't imagine any worthwhile gal would want to snog you with that wiry Chia Pet on your face and neck. And if a girl can't see herself snogging you, she's probably not going to waste her time getting to know you. First impressions are impossible to do over.

Now let me be clear: I am not saying there is anything wrong with a beard, or any type of facial hair, for that matter. I'm simply saying there is something wrong with your ability to grow a decent beard, thus the patchy craziness that springs up on your face and neck should never be allowed to see the light of day. Keep yourself well groomed. Make it look like you care about yourself a little bit. If you look like you don't care about yourself, you're just going to attract girls who are equally careless about themselves or who have crazy delusions that they'll be able to clean you up & "fix" you. Neither one of these is sister-in-law material.

You're a mildly attractive guy, Brother. Don't hide that with your al-qaeda-chic face rug. The razor is your friend.

Love,
Sister