Dear Brother,
I'm sorry I had a baby and haven't been able to share my wisdom with you. I'm just a tad bit busy these days. But now more than ever I'm motivated to help you find happiness. My baby needs a cousin. But before she can get a cousin, her uncle needs to find a babymama to join forces with. I will do my best to get my act together so I can help you out.
Love,
Sister
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Dear Brother, Tact is a Wonderful Thing
Dear Brother,
Tact is truly a wonderful thing, especially during the early stage of a relationship. When you are too blunt or insensitive, a chicky will be put off. Dictionary.com says that tact is "a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations." Brother, this is something you definitely need to work on.
Let's say, for example, a girl has some nasal debris that has escaped and is now resting in a visible location on her face. It would not be tactful to say, "Ha! You have a booger on your face!" This would cause the girl to become embarrassed, especially if she's insecure in the relationship. Instead, you could grab a tissue and discretely offer it to her, averting your eyes while she dealt with the escapee. The latter would be a better demonstration of tact.
A little bit of discretion and sensitivity will get you everywhere, Brother!
Love,
Sister
Tact is truly a wonderful thing, especially during the early stage of a relationship. When you are too blunt or insensitive, a chicky will be put off. Dictionary.com says that tact is "a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations." Brother, this is something you definitely need to work on.
Let's say, for example, a girl has some nasal debris that has escaped and is now resting in a visible location on her face. It would not be tactful to say, "Ha! You have a booger on your face!" This would cause the girl to become embarrassed, especially if she's insecure in the relationship. Instead, you could grab a tissue and discretely offer it to her, averting your eyes while she dealt with the escapee. The latter would be a better demonstration of tact.
A little bit of discretion and sensitivity will get you everywhere, Brother!
Love,
Sister
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dear Brother, She's NOT Oscar
Dear Brother,
After spending some time with you at Christmas, I was reminded of another "fun" little quirk of yours that may prove detrimental to your pursuit of love: You have a tendency to treat your ladies like you treat Oscar.
Now, Brother, I know Oscar is a wonderful little bundle of magic. I know his squishy little face and bug eyes melt your heart. I know that curly tail, highlighting his poor design, makes you want to shower him with love. I know that you are so bursting with love for him that you express it by giving him pink bellies and wrestling with him and his relieved-of-squeaker toys. These are appropriate ways of showing affection to a dog, but not so appropriate for ladies.
Your lady needs love and affection, just like Oscar does, and sure, some ways of giving her that might be similar. What girl doesn't like being taken out for ice cream? Or being hand fed bon bons or other sweet morsels? What girl doesn't like being brought some shiny new bauble? Or having her hair stroked while you whisper sweet nothings in her ear? Those are all fine and dandy, but you, unfortunately, have a tendency to push it a little further. Pat her not-so gently on the head, muss her hair, wrestle her, put her in a headlock, give her a pink belly... please don't. That is, unless you want to scare her off (if that's the case, then by all means, go forward!).
The bottom line: be gentle. Sometimes you can be a bit too Lennie Small.
Love,
Sister
After spending some time with you at Christmas, I was reminded of another "fun" little quirk of yours that may prove detrimental to your pursuit of love: You have a tendency to treat your ladies like you treat Oscar.
Now, Brother, I know Oscar is a wonderful little bundle of magic. I know his squishy little face and bug eyes melt your heart. I know that curly tail, highlighting his poor design, makes you want to shower him with love. I know that you are so bursting with love for him that you express it by giving him pink bellies and wrestling with him and his relieved-of-squeaker toys. These are appropriate ways of showing affection to a dog, but not so appropriate for ladies.
Your lady needs love and affection, just like Oscar does, and sure, some ways of giving her that might be similar. What girl doesn't like being taken out for ice cream? Or being hand fed bon bons or other sweet morsels? What girl doesn't like being brought some shiny new bauble? Or having her hair stroked while you whisper sweet nothings in her ear? Those are all fine and dandy, but you, unfortunately, have a tendency to push it a little further. Pat her not-so gently on the head, muss her hair, wrestle her, put her in a headlock, give her a pink belly... please don't. That is, unless you want to scare her off (if that's the case, then by all means, go forward!).
The bottom line: be gentle. Sometimes you can be a bit too Lennie Small.
Love,
Sister
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Dear Brother, No More Beards
Dear Brother,
After spending a lovely Thanksgiving weekend with you, I have to beg you to never again grow a beard like that. I can't imagine any worthwhile gal would want to snog you with that wiry Chia Pet on your face and neck. And if a girl can't see herself snogging you, she's probably not going to waste her time getting to know you. First impressions are impossible to do over.
Now let me be clear: I am not saying there is anything wrong with a beard, or any type of facial hair, for that matter. I'm simply saying there is something wrong with your ability to grow a decent beard, thus the patchy craziness that springs up on your face and neck should never be allowed to see the light of day. Keep yourself well groomed. Make it look like you care about yourself a little bit. If you look like you don't care about yourself, you're just going to attract girls who are equally careless about themselves or who have crazy delusions that they'll be able to clean you up & "fix" you. Neither one of these is sister-in-law material.
You're a mildly attractive guy, Brother. Don't hide that with your al-qaeda-chic face rug. The razor is your friend.
Love,
Sister
After spending a lovely Thanksgiving weekend with you, I have to beg you to never again grow a beard like that. I can't imagine any worthwhile gal would want to snog you with that wiry Chia Pet on your face and neck. And if a girl can't see herself snogging you, she's probably not going to waste her time getting to know you. First impressions are impossible to do over.
Now let me be clear: I am not saying there is anything wrong with a beard, or any type of facial hair, for that matter. I'm simply saying there is something wrong with your ability to grow a decent beard, thus the patchy craziness that springs up on your face and neck should never be allowed to see the light of day. Keep yourself well groomed. Make it look like you care about yourself a little bit. If you look like you don't care about yourself, you're just going to attract girls who are equally careless about themselves or who have crazy delusions that they'll be able to clean you up & "fix" you. Neither one of these is sister-in-law material.
You're a mildly attractive guy, Brother. Don't hide that with your al-qaeda-chic face rug. The razor is your friend.
Love,
Sister
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Dear Brother, Your Shit Stinks, Too!
Dear Brother,
I know you may find this hard to believe, what with you being so awesome and whatnot, but your shit stinks, too. Listen, I know you think you're a catch. Let's be honest; you are! You're intelligent, mildly humorous, and marginally good looking. Heck, sometimes you're even a nice guy! But Brother, any chica is going to run screaming in the opposite direction once you unleash your little criticism habit.
Everyone has their deal breakers. A stringent conservative might shudder when he finds out Chickadee is a card-carrying liberal. A devout religious fanatic may head for the holy land when he finds out she's an atheist. Anyone in their right mind would delete Chickadee's number after finding human heads in her freezer. Deal breakers are mostly okay... within reason.
Your deal breakers seem to be just about any and everything. You nitpick. She's three pounds overweight. She isn't psychotic in her love of marathon running. She doesn't think pugs are god's greatest creation. She can't quote every line of Spaceballs. She's lactose tolerant and thus can't commiserate with you. She wants to spend more than one day of the week with you (oh, wait... we covered that one already!). Whatever that minute detail might be, you blow it out of proportion to the point that it hinders your ability to get to know Chickadee, thus destroying any chance that a relationship may develop.
Aside from this putting up a road block for you, it's also going to create one for her! No one likes to feel like they're being picked apart. As much as we tease Dad about his constant vigilance over what we eat (well, over everything we do, really), you do the exact same thing. You may not understand how degrading that can feel, but trust me, Chickadee understands. If she feels like you're constantly judging, correcting, disapproving, and scrutinizing, she's not going to want to stick around and get to know you.
So Brother, please lighten up. Try to be a little more open-minded. Finding a life partner isn't about finding an exact clone (shudder to think!), it's about finding your other half. I hate to go all Jerry Maguire on you, but your goal is to find someone who completes you. Besides, imagine what your kids would be like if you mated with a female clone of yourself! I would NOT babysit those kids!
Love,
Sister
I know you may find this hard to believe, what with you being so awesome and whatnot, but your shit stinks, too. Listen, I know you think you're a catch. Let's be honest; you are! You're intelligent, mildly humorous, and marginally good looking. Heck, sometimes you're even a nice guy! But Brother, any chica is going to run screaming in the opposite direction once you unleash your little criticism habit.
Everyone has their deal breakers. A stringent conservative might shudder when he finds out Chickadee is a card-carrying liberal. A devout religious fanatic may head for the holy land when he finds out she's an atheist. Anyone in their right mind would delete Chickadee's number after finding human heads in her freezer. Deal breakers are mostly okay... within reason.
Your deal breakers seem to be just about any and everything. You nitpick. She's three pounds overweight. She isn't psychotic in her love of marathon running. She doesn't think pugs are god's greatest creation. She can't quote every line of Spaceballs. She's lactose tolerant and thus can't commiserate with you. She wants to spend more than one day of the week with you (oh, wait... we covered that one already!). Whatever that minute detail might be, you blow it out of proportion to the point that it hinders your ability to get to know Chickadee, thus destroying any chance that a relationship may develop.
Aside from this putting up a road block for you, it's also going to create one for her! No one likes to feel like they're being picked apart. As much as we tease Dad about his constant vigilance over what we eat (well, over everything we do, really), you do the exact same thing. You may not understand how degrading that can feel, but trust me, Chickadee understands. If she feels like you're constantly judging, correcting, disapproving, and scrutinizing, she's not going to want to stick around and get to know you.
So Brother, please lighten up. Try to be a little more open-minded. Finding a life partner isn't about finding an exact clone (shudder to think!), it's about finding your other half. I hate to go all Jerry Maguire on you, but your goal is to find someone who completes you. Besides, imagine what your kids would be like if you mated with a female clone of yourself! I would NOT babysit those kids!
Love,
Sister
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dear Brother, Love is Spelled T-I-M-E
Dear Brother,
Last weekend I attended a lecture that was supposedly about education, but was really more of a motivational speech about living life to the fullest. Near the end of the presentation, we were treated to an absolutely awful cheeseball of a video where an old man laments the passing of time by waxing nostalgic over his and his son's old journals. The title of this video was something about children spelling "love" t-i-m-e. I thought of something, Brother. Women, too, spell "love" that way!
Brother, I seem to recall that you are somewhat set in your routine. I know you like to have structure in your day and week. Well, unfortunately, love does not always fit into a routine. If you're going to show a girl that you are interested in her, you're going to need to do a little flyin' by the seat of your pants. You may have your little heart set on three hours of running and lifting at the gym Tuesday night, but Chickadee might have a rough day at work and need some sunshine blown up her caboose. You may be planning on getting to bed by eight so you can get up early to make your daily omelette from your pre-chopped frozen meats, cheese, and veggies, but Chickadee might call you right before bed time just to hear your voice. Brother, in these kinds of situations, you need to roll with the punches and show Chickadee that you care about her, that your routine isn't more important to you than she is.
For a gal to feel like she has your attention, like she's important to you, like you actually care to be a part of her life, you have to give up some of that precious time. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that you should spend every waking moment with Chickadee, and be at her beck and call. That's crazy talk! That's just as unhealthy and unsustainable as NOT spending any time with her! But I am saying that you need to make her a priority. Being upset with Chickadee because she wants to *gasp* spend more than one day out of her week with you is completely ludicrous on your part. Not that you would ever do that...
So Brother, suck it up and sacrifice a little time to make that gal feel special. If she feels like she's a priority in your life, she's going to make you a priority in hers. And then, who knows?
Love,
Sister
Last weekend I attended a lecture that was supposedly about education, but was really more of a motivational speech about living life to the fullest. Near the end of the presentation, we were treated to an absolutely awful cheeseball of a video where an old man laments the passing of time by waxing nostalgic over his and his son's old journals. The title of this video was something about children spelling "love" t-i-m-e. I thought of something, Brother. Women, too, spell "love" that way!
Brother, I seem to recall that you are somewhat set in your routine. I know you like to have structure in your day and week. Well, unfortunately, love does not always fit into a routine. If you're going to show a girl that you are interested in her, you're going to need to do a little flyin' by the seat of your pants. You may have your little heart set on three hours of running and lifting at the gym Tuesday night, but Chickadee might have a rough day at work and need some sunshine blown up her caboose. You may be planning on getting to bed by eight so you can get up early to make your daily omelette from your pre-chopped frozen meats, cheese, and veggies, but Chickadee might call you right before bed time just to hear your voice. Brother, in these kinds of situations, you need to roll with the punches and show Chickadee that you care about her, that your routine isn't more important to you than she is.
For a gal to feel like she has your attention, like she's important to you, like you actually care to be a part of her life, you have to give up some of that precious time. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that you should spend every waking moment with Chickadee, and be at her beck and call. That's crazy talk! That's just as unhealthy and unsustainable as NOT spending any time with her! But I am saying that you need to make her a priority. Being upset with Chickadee because she wants to *gasp* spend more than one day out of her week with you is completely ludicrous on your part. Not that you would ever do that...
So Brother, suck it up and sacrifice a little time to make that gal feel special. If she feels like she's a priority in your life, she's going to make you a priority in hers. And then, who knows?
Love,
Sister
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dear Brother, You're Not Getting Any Younger
Dear Brother,
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but time only moves forward (unless, of course, you are in possession of a DeLorean equipped with a flux capacitor). We can't stop it, we can't reverse it, we can only succumb to it. That being said, I have to remind you of something very important: you're not getting any younger.
Brother, it is very important to me that you have a happy and fulfilling life. And I truly believe that relationships are what make life full and enjoyable. Friends, family, romantic partners - these are all important bonds to create and nurture. You have friends (or at least you insist that you do... I'm still not certain that mom and dad aren't paying them to be nice to you), and you have family (including the best older sister in the entire world), but you lack the final component: a life partner.
It is for that reason I create this blog. I am here to offer you my worldly, sisterly advice, in the hopes that you will one day find love and happiness in a life partner.
Love,
Sister
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but time only moves forward (unless, of course, you are in possession of a DeLorean equipped with a flux capacitor). We can't stop it, we can't reverse it, we can only succumb to it. That being said, I have to remind you of something very important: you're not getting any younger.
Brother, it is very important to me that you have a happy and fulfilling life. And I truly believe that relationships are what make life full and enjoyable. Friends, family, romantic partners - these are all important bonds to create and nurture. You have friends (or at least you insist that you do... I'm still not certain that mom and dad aren't paying them to be nice to you), and you have family (including the best older sister in the entire world), but you lack the final component: a life partner.
It is for that reason I create this blog. I am here to offer you my worldly, sisterly advice, in the hopes that you will one day find love and happiness in a life partner.
Love,
Sister
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